Spirited!

Maren is what you might call “spirited”. She’s many wonderful things, and most of the things that drive me absolutely INSANE are awesome traits for a person to have. They’re just a bit of a challenge for a parent. Like, she’s really, really persistent and intensely focused on what she wants. Someday, she’ll be the person who kicks butt at her job, knows how to be assertive, and accomplishes amazing things because she does not back down. Today, she’s two. And I, more often than I care to admit, want to chuck her out the window.

That would be Maren on the left. The poor child on the right is her cousin. By the end of day two, all Maren had to do was look at the kid to provoke this reaction. Not. A. Good. Scene.

Really, is it a crisis if your underwear are blue? If the bath water is wet? (no that’s not a typo, there really was a tantrum over this!) If I have to move your chair/step stool to access the flour required to make the bread you are “helping” with? Heaven forbid we do something really insane, like wash hair or brush teeth!

And then there’s the violence. Who needs to say hello when you can just shove a kid over? Mostly though, Maren just reaches her saturation point, and she’s done. About two hours with friends is her limit. We can double that if we’re at our house, and even triple it if there is only one child visiting, especially if the child is easy-going. But, reach the limit, and the hitting, pinching and pushing reach epic proportions. I’m not exaggerating when I say I am sometimes fearful that people will avoid my calls, stop inviting me over, and start using me as the horror story of parenting gone wrong.

We’re both working really hard. I’m working to set Maren up for success. I try to keep our visits shorter. I try to avoid situations where there will be 15 kids running around like mad. I try to keep playdates outdoors, ’cause she does so, so much better there. I encourage break-taking. One of our friends has a cozy change table set up in her bathroom, and Maren can spend 15 minutes lying there recharging and extend her happy playtime. We bought a little hammock nest/chair for her to use at home in the same way. I try to keep her limitations in mind.

I try to keep my own temper in check. I like to be in charge, and I like to do things my way, or at least in the way I am accustomed to doing them. I’m working on remembering that I don’t need to stand in that precise spot as I mix my bread, or that underwear can be worn backwards. I try  to remember that she’s two and still learning to keep herself in check and to use words to express herself (oh, the sanity-trashing screaming!). I try to validate her intense feelings. I try to stay calm and compassionate in the storm of emotion and screaming. And I fail. Often. Daily, pretty much.

I apologize. I pray I’m not scarring the kid and that she’ll forgive me. I feel cruddy about myself as a parent (not all the time, but often enough). I wonder that I expect her to stay calm and even when my voice rises and my fists clench and my teeth grind. If I can’t do it, how on earth can I be expecting a two year old to?!

I read books where the solution is apparently to “expect the child to do as you ask”, and where  a firm voice is all that is needed. I look around and try to figure out how a get a kid who actually responds to such craziness. I can expect all I want, but if my kiddo doesn’t expect in the same direction, my expectations are NOT going to be met. She can out expect me any day.

What are your tricks for staying calm and compassionate? How do you enforce GENTLE touches? How do you discipline?

And yes, I have read “Raising Your Spirited Child”. I really liked it actually, and you should read it too! (http://www.parentchildhelp.com/SpiritedChild/tabid/59/Default.aspx)

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